Words Matter More Than You Think

For many grieving parents, the words spoken by medical staff during pregnancy loss, stillbirth, infant loss, or critical emergencies become permanently etched into memory. Families may forget exact timelines, lab values, or clinical explanations — but they often remember exactly how they were spoken to.

In healthcare, certain medical terminology becomes second nature. But for families, some phrases can feel cold, abrupt, dismissive, or even traumatic when used in deeply vulnerable moments.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is compassion.

The Platinum Rule: Treat the hurt how they want to be treated.

Every family is different. Some want clear medical language. Some want gentleness. Some want silence. Some want every detail explained carefully and slowly.

Follow their lead whenever possible.

A Few Gentle Reminders

• Their baby is not just a diagnosis.

• Even if the loss occurred early, even if the prognosis was poor, even if you've seen this many times before — this may be the most devastating moment of their entire life.
• Small wording changes can soften lifelong memories.
• You can often communicate the exact same medical reality in a more human way.
• Slow down.
• Families in shock process information differently. They may remember fragments of sentences for years.
• Silence is sometimes the most beautiful sound a family can hear - it's not always awkward.
• Avoid making the family emotionally translate medical shorthand.
• Clinical terminology has its place in charting and provider communication — but bedside conversations deserve tenderness too.
• If possible, use the baby's name.
• A baby's name may be one of the only tangible things parents get to keep.
• Never underestimate the impact of tone.
• Compassion is often communicated more through pacing, body language, eye contact, and gentleness than through perfectly scripted words.

Examples of More Compassionate Language

These examples are not about policing healthcare workers — they’re about reducing unintended harm during devastating moments.

Instead of:

“There’s no heartbeat.”

Consider:

“I’m so sorry... I’m not finding your baby’s heartbeat.” or “I’m so sorry. Your baby has died.” (Direct, but human.)

Instead of:

“Fetal demise", "fetus", "or "pregnancy"

Consider:

“Your baby" or use their child's name

Instead of:

“Nonviable pregnancy.”

Consider:

“I’m so sorry, but this pregnancy is not continuing the way we hoped.”

Instead of:

“You can try again.”

Consider:

“You don’t need to think about any future decisions right now.”

Instead of:

“Products of conception.” (anytime spoke in front of the family)

Consider:

Using “baby,” “remains,” or the baby’s name when appropriate in direct family communication. (Clinical terminology may be necessary elsewhere like charting or with other staff, but bedside language matters.)

Instead of:

“You’re young. You’ll have more children.”

Consider:

“I am so sorry this is happening.”

(Parents are grieving this child, not looking for a replacement. Not to mention, concieving again is not easy nor is it a guarantee for many families.)

Instead of:

“Do you want to see it?”

Consider:

“Would you like the opportunity to spend time with your baby? There’s no right or wrong answer, and we can support whatever feels best to you.” (Parents often need gentleness, preparation, and permission.)

Instead of:

“We need you to decide.”

Consider:

“There are a few decisions we’ll walk through together when you’re ready. We can go one step at a time.” (Grief can make even small decisions feel impossible.)

Things Families Often Remember Forever

• Someone saying their baby’s name
• A nurse who sat down instead of standing in the doorway
• A doctor who slowed down enough to explain things twice
• Someone who acknowledged they were parents
• Being warned before difficult information was said aloud
• Someone crying with them
• A staff member treating their baby gently and respectfully
• One insensitive comment that replayed in their head for years

You may never fully know the impact you had — good or bad.

What Compassionate Care Really Looks Like

Compassionate care is not about having perfect words.

It is:

• remembering humanity in the middle of protocols
• recognizing trauma while still delivering medical care
• protecting dignity during chaos
• understanding that grief and medicine are happening simultaneously
  

Families rarely expect perfection from healthcare workers. But they do remember kindness.

For Medical Staff Carrying This Too

If you are a healthcare worker reading this and realizing you may have used some of these phrases before: you are not alone, and you are not a bad person.

Many of these terms are deeply ingrained in medical culture and training. Most harmful moments are not caused by cruelty — they happen because medicine often teaches clinical efficiency before it teaches grief-informed communication.

The fact that you care enough to learn, reflect, and adjust already matters enormously. To practice these better phrase choices, say them in front of a mirror and record your voice on your phone and listen back. It makes a dramatic difference in how we hear what we are saying and understanding how it could be perceived.

Tiny changes in language can profoundly change how a family remembers their loss.

And on the hardest days of their lives, that matters more than you may ever know.