A Few Things to Keep in Mind When Loving Someone Who’s Grieving
The Platinum Rule: Treat the hurt how they want to be treated.
Supporting a grieving parent — especially someone who’s lost a baby — can feel overwhelming. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you also don’t want to say nothing at all. The truth is, what grieving families often need most is to be seen, heard, and gently remembered.
Here are a few reminders as you show up for them:
- Speak their baby's name. It may feel small to you, but to that parent, it's everything.
- Be mindful of sensitive topics, like future children — unless you know they’re open to that.
- Sometimes silence or a simple “I’m so sorry” is more powerful than any explanation.
- A handwritten card or a “thinking of you” text might be treasured for decades.
- Actions go a long way. Check out our other post for practical ways to help.
- And if you share a story, make it personal — not a distant connection. When done thoughtfully, a “me too” moment can help grieving parents feel gently welcomed into a community none of us ever asked to be in.
The Platinum Rule: Treat the hurt how they want to be treated.
Examples of What You Can Say
These are the kinds of words that validate grief, offer presence, and gently communicate love:
- “I’m so sorry. I wish I had better words, but I just want you to know I care and I’m here.”
(Honest, heartfelt, and pressure-free.) - “This is unbelievably hard. I hate that you’re having to go through this.”
(Validates pain without trying to fix it.) - “Can I drop off a meal tomorrow or run an errand for you this week? I want to support you however I can.”
(Offering something specific is more helpful than an open-ended offer - if you're stuck here's some ideas.) - “You’ve been on my heart all day. Just wanted you to know I’m praying for you and your sweet baby.”
(Simple, sincere check-ins can mean a lot - even years down the road) - “You are such a loving mom. Your love for [baby’s name] is so clear in everything you’ve done.”
(Affirms their identity as a parent.) - “We don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want — but if you need company, I’m here.”
(Gives them permission to set the pace.) - “[Baby’s name] is such a beautiful name. It suits them perfectly.”
(Saying the baby’s name shows you remember and honor their life.)
Examples of What You Shouldn't Say
These phrases — while sometimes well-intended — often dismiss grief, minimize pain, or insert unhelpful theology. Avoid them:
- Saying nothing at all. Silence can be deafening. A simple "I'm so sorry" or "This sucks so much" goes a long way.
- “At least...” (e.g., “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least you have other children.”)
Grief doesn’t need silver linings — it needs space to just be. - “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”
This misquotes scripture and puts unfair pressure on the grieving to “handle” tragedy. - “It was God’s plan” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
These phrases can feel like spiritual gaslighting. Grieving parents need compassion, not a cosmic explanation. - “When are you going back to work?”
Don’t rush people back into “normal life” — it may never feel normal again. Going back to work is a daunting milestone in any grief journey. - “Just move on” or “It was just a miscarriage.”
Every loss is real. Every baby matters. - “You look like you’re doing great!”
Grief is often invisible. Looking okay doesn’t mean healing is done. - “Hey, if you’re not using the nursery stuff, can I have it?”
Just... no. Never ask this.
You might be surprised how painful some of the “don’t say this” examples are — and honestly, they are. Some are downright cruel. But unfortunately, these are real words that real grieving parents have heard & shared with us.
If something like that has ever been said to you, I want you to hear this: I’m so sorry. You did not deserve that. You have every right to protect your peace and set boundaries with people who just don’t get it. It might sound strange, but being mistreated or judged after losing a child is far too common.
If you're grieving, I encourage you to take a close look at what you’re allowing in — your social media, your conversations, even your circle of friends. Surround yourself with people and content that support healing, not harm. You deserve tenderness and care — especially now.